Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Why irrational self confidence will fuck up your life

Posted by xsplat on August 8, 2013

irrational-self-confidenceThere is a pernicious meme that has taken hold like a dandelion. The meme is that irrational self confidence will aid your self interest.

It is pernicious because it is a short term solution that is in the long term detrimental.

I don’t want to look around me 15 years from now and see that my friends are all now crack addicted homeless bums. And so when I can I mention to people “Hey, it’s probably not a good idea to spend all your money on crack”.

And I don’t want to look around 15 years from now and see guys not getting their intimacy needs met.

And so I tell people, hey, it’s probably not a good idea to blind yourself to what women genuinely value in the competitive sexual marketplace. Work now to build real value – don’t just assume that you already have it.

Everything does not boil down to confidence. While you can hypnotize yourself to believe that you deserve more than you really do, this is in the long term not in your best interest.

The way self hypnosis, and irrational self confidence works, is this; your brain excludes all information that does not agree with the self hypnotic suggestion.

“I don’t need a big dick to sexually compete. I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need big muscles to compete, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be a great lover in bed, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to make more money than the next guy, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to get my own apartment and furnish it tastefully, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to get an impressive car, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to to dress well, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be a successful entrepreneur, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be tall, I’m great just the way I am.”

Irrational self confidence will leave you blind to what the competition is doing. You will literally be incapable of knowing what their relative strengths and disadvantages are. Because any such knowledge would harm your irrational self conception.

That is how the mind works.

You have two main options in life: self hypnosis, or meditation. You can either exclude parts of the brain from speaking to other parts, and therefore get magical self hypnotic powers, such as being able to make your hand numb, or forget the number six, or make the wall turn blue, or fall asleep on command, or you can unify your mind, and the wall will remain yellow and you will remain cognizant of the mosquito itch and you will be able to do math in your dreams.

The former will help you to screen for girls at the club who are down-to-fuck and get same night lays with them.

The latter option is what you need to get your intimacy needs met long term.

In my last two posts I made the readers aware that we have choiceless human psychological needs, and in order to be as satisfied in life as possible, you have to take these into account.

I don’t want to see people in the manosphere follow Heartiste and Roosh into becoming the next Mark Minters; blindsided by their own intimacy needs and structurally incapable of realizing them without huge compromise. For LTR success you need structural basics.

The dark triad traits will with absolute certainty fuck your life up.

You will not be able to experience empathetic joy. (Psychopathy.)

You will not be able to know realistic confidence and will exclude facts that threaten your esteem. (Narcissism.)

You will have boundary issues of not respecting others free will, and see others as nothing but a tool. (Machiavelianism.) Machiavelianism is related to the first two DT traits, in that it necessitates a lessening of empathetic joy, and is inconsiderate to opposing views.

If you want to lead a happy life, and not wind up a crack addict on the street, don’t choose the path of irrational self confidence.

Update from comments: In discussions where we share ideas and examine them, accuracy is important. A small conceptual mis-step of one degree can after many miles lead one far astray.

Irrational confidence necessarily means confidence that excludes data. It necessarily means deliberately ignoring reality. This type of thinking can not be applied only as required – it is a habit that will infect other habits, until you will be narcissistic in your world view – you will unconsciously avoid trains of thought that lead to a loss of esteem. You won’t be able to think clearly – even when you want to.

It is possible to have confidence without excluding reality. You can know your relative strengths and weaknesses, and know how much more attractive you would be if you were more confident, and you can put on some rational bluster and fake confidence. That does not exclude reality. That is rational confidence. You can rationally know how much your display of confidence in real life affects reality.

Reality respects us to the degree we respect it. Allegiance to truth wins out in the long game.

Update 2 from comments: Narcissists are charming, but can’t hold down relationships as sooner or later their bullshit is uncovered and they are revealed as shallow fakes. And when their masks are seen through they fly into a rage. There is even a name for that – it’s called “narcissistic rage”.

Narcissism is widely being deliberately taught as a seduction aid. Those advocating dark triad traits are damaged individuals causing social harm; they are harming the future happiness of our friends.

A narcissist will be incapable of thoughts that threaten to damage his self conception, and is capable of great evil. Narcissism is a horrendous and dangerous trait, and is not an aid to your life. It is something to root out from yourself at every possible opportunity.

A healthy ego and reality are good friends.

Update 3 from comments: Just to clarify I don’t think it’s problematic to seek and get validation, or to be proud of accomplishments.

I’m nit picking on one small detail. One little word. The word is “irrational”.

That one word can lead people astray. It can lead people to pushing into dim awareness or denying the non-confidence related attractive traits.

This will cause two long term problems:
1) People will neglect self improvement and so be unprepared for intimacy in older age.
2) People will develop poor mental habits, and give in to cognitive dissonance at every turn, choosing thoughts based on comfort, instead of truth.

These are serious issues. That stem from just one tiny little detail. That niggling little detail of one word. Irrational.

Seems trivial, but it’s not.

Update 4 from comments: Another point is that humor can be better than a blustery confidence. You can be honest about being ugly if you are funny. This is a type of humble/confidence that displays high social intelligence. It goes over well. You downplay your disadvantages, while being fully aware of them. You don’t have to deny them.

Whereas overconfidence can display low social intelligence, such as seen in the clueless dimwit pictured at the top of the post; the poster boy for being stupidly overconfident and how this damages how other people perceive his social intelligence and therefore mate-worthiness.

Update 5: Here is an example of RATIONAL self confidence.

When I go to a club, 99% of the time I’ll be the ugliest guy there. This has serious real world effects – it’s not a small thing. My girlfriends all considered me ugly (even the current curvy hottie live-in love-slave of three years who is 23 years younger than me) and many of them called me ugly to my face.

But here is what I do when I refer to my looks; I call myself handsome. INEVITABLY the girl will break out laughing. I keep a straight face. I can play it straight because it’s so absurd she knows I can’t possibly be serious.

The thing is to never show weaknesses as something that you dwell on or get depressed about, but still don’t deny them. Be socially intelligent, and respect her intelligence. Know that she’ll get turned on for hotter guys, know that she’d prefer a hotter face, if she could put it on your body. But also know that even with some big weaknesses you can develop compensatory strengths.

Confidence doesn’t have to be fake or about denying reality. You can have a pin point accurate rational mental map and still do well with women. In fact you can even get away with not being particularly confident-in-your-confidenty-confidence and still do very well – if you have compensatory traits that you are confident in, such as social intelligence and humor and sexual skills.

I’ve even heard it advocated to make fun of being nervous and shy during an initial meet, because that displays some social intelligence – you are acknowledging the awkwardness but are still willing to plow through it – you are willing to stay glued to the reality of the situation even when it’s uncomfortable, and acknowledge it, instead of pretending you are full of confidentiness, and doing that in itself forms a common bond between the two of you. “Yes, look at us, this is a bit uncomfortable, isn’t it – ha ha – we’re humans doing human things!”.

The honesty that clear thinking develops will help you in innumerable interpersonal ways. You’ll develop real, honest, interpersonal rapport. You’ll know and appreciate and understand her REAL thought processes. Honesty contains humor. Irrational confidence does not. Can not. Humor is built out of honesty.

People crave genuine connection. Genuine connection is built on understanding. If you deliberately try to not understand what the woman values, by being irrationally self confident and denying your weaknesses, you create a schism between you and the girl, between you and yourself. You take things so seriously that there is no room for laughter.

I mean, just look at the poster child up top. I chose that image to make the point emotionally. That guy is too stupid to laugh at himself. If he could laugh at his flaws, he’d be much more approachable, likable, and even sexy. He’s so wooden in his “confidence” that he parodies himself. Lighten up guy!

Flaws are part of what builds connection between people – it’s what we have in common. Being over confident is like not accepting your self with humor and humility, which will put off a vibe that you can’t really accept the girl either. It will just be a shallow dance where nothing touches – nobody makes any real connection or really touches anything – nobody is vulnerable at all.

Confidence is not the only trick in the bag, and if you over value it, you can harm your other tricks – harm your ability to think clearly, harm your sense of proportion, harm your sense of humor, harm your genuine empathy, harm your genuine connection to women, harm your chances at real human bonding.

Women have so many hooks in them. Not just one hook. There isn’t just a confidence hook. You can play a woman like a fiddle without ever once considering how confident or unconfident you are. You don’t have to ever even think about it.

I do best when I’m so captivated by the girl that I lose interest in myself entirely. Rather than try to boost self confidence, I become un-self-conscious. How confident I am has nothing to do with the equation. I just do what I do, and it’s all reality based. No augmented reality – just reality.

People like reality, if you like reality.

New term: rational-funny-humility-with-genuine-realistic-pride

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39 Responses to “Why irrational self confidence will fuck up your life”

  1. mitara said

    “Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

  2. balboa69 said

    I suspect that the way most people think of “irrational self-confidence” is simply when they are about to go out, they look in the mirror, smile a toothy grin and affirm that they’re the king. This may or may not be effective as a short-term boost. As a way of life, however, it is only for those sufficiently psychopathic that it’s not something to be summoned up, it’s just ingrained.

    • xsplat said

      In discussions where we share ideas and examine them, accuracy is important. A small conceptual mis-step of one degree can after many miles lead one far astray.

      Irrational confidence necessarily means confidence that excludes data. It necessarily means deliberately ignoring reality. This type of thinking can not be applied only as required – it is a habit that will infect other habits, until you will be narcissistic in your world view – you will unconsciously avoid trains of thought that lead to a loss of esteem. You won’t be able to think clearly – even when you want to.

      It is possible to have confidence without excluding reality. You can know your relative strengths and weaknesses, and know how much more attractive you would be if you were more confident, and you can put on some rational bluster and fake confidence. That does not exclude reality. That is rational confidence. You can rationally know how much your display of confidence in real life affects reality.

      Reality respects us to the degree we respect it. Allegiance to truth wins out in the long game.

  3. I’ve known people with irrational self-confidence. When things didn’t work out (which was a lot of the time) they collapsed and flew into a rage. Others who knew them considered them fools.

    • xsplat said

      Narcissists are charming, but can’t hold down relationships as sooner or later their bullshit is uncovered and they are revealed as shallow fakes. And when their masks are seen through they fly into a rage. There is even a name for that – it’s called “narcissistic rage”.

      Narcissism is widely being deliberately taught as a seduction aid. Those teaching this are damaged individuals causing wide social harm; they are harming the future happiness of our friends.

      • I know about narcissistic rage, having it more than once. I also know about narcissistic supply, which explains men (and women) who grow from one to the other (since they are basically interchangeable) since they are unable to have a sustainable relationship.

      • xsplat said

        I’d like to learn more about that.

      • Narcissistic Supply: a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration that does not take into account the feelings, opinions or preferences of other people.

  4. MattC said

    Assuming you already have value is one of the key flaws I think a lot of the “PUAs” have. Because they are more confident and have found a new hobby that puts them in the “top 1%”, it gets to their heads too quickly. That’s the validation they need and get.

    Great post

    • xsplat said

      Just to clarify I don’t think it’s problematic to seek and get validation, or to be proud of accomplishments.

      I’m nit picking on one small detail. One little word. The word is “irrational”.

      That one word can lead people astray. It can lead people to pushing into dim awareness or denying the non-confidence related attractive traits.

      This will cause two long term problems:
      1) people will neglect self improvement and so be unprepared for intimacy in older age
      2) people will develop poor mental habits, and give in to cognitive dissonance at every turn, choosing thoughts based on comfort, instead of truth.

      These are serious issues. That stem from just one tiny little detail. That niggling little detail of one word. Irrational.

      Seems trivial, but it’s not.

  5. Walshy said

    There was a time in my life where I deliberately implemented what you are talking about, it was indeed something I had read in an old school pickup book. For months, through sheer brute force, I turned my negative inner dialogue of “I am not good enough, noway I could land a hottie” into something like “I am the fucking man, I own this shit,”.

    I would repeat this over and over in my mind, drilling that “fake” confidence into myself. It worked, and my “ego” confidence increased, my results improved.

    However, you are right on that this is a dark path to take, a short term bandaid solution to the underlying issues of the human ego/mind/anxiety/insecurity matrix. The real path is in facing yourself for where you really stand, accepting that and being OK with that, and moving forward with the best of your ability from that moment. One path leads to truth, the other to madness.

    And, as you point out, the examples of those who took that disastrous ego path into the extreme are right infront of us, dont miss the lesson guys!

    I love the idea of two choices in life, or in self-improvement: self hypnosis or meditation. I hope you don’t mind me stealing this little gem.

    your writing resonates with me, a chime of truth.

    I’ll be following, cheers.

  6. Kurt said

    “I don’t need a big dick to sexually compete. I’m great just the way I am.”

    How can guys rectify the dick issue?

    • xsplat said

      Ya, actually that isn’t out of a guys control. Jelking is said to add an easy 1/2 inch, and 3/4 is possible, with some guys claiming to get a full inch. Girth can be affected too. Also you can just date more petite girls or Asians.

      But even when attributes can not be affected, that doesn’t mean that we can’t be confident enough without resorting to denying reality or relative strengths and weaknesses. It just means we need to play to our strengths. And develop the strengths we can. And play the numbers game. And target those who appreciate us most.

      I’m a strikingly unattractive guy who has been balding for decades and is short. I know this perfectly well. I’m realistic about how this affects my life. And yet I still aim way out of my league and have success, because I can – by playing to my considerable other strengths; for instance I’m great in bed and have a golden tongue and am expert at making women feel romantic. The trick for me is to get the girl isolated, and that gets harder every year. So I have to compensate on my weaknesses with new strengths.

      For instance my buddy can open sets of girls at the mall and have them eating out of his hand. That doesn’t work so well for me because as an ugly older guy the girl would lose face and status in front of her friends by going with me. But get me alone with a girl and I can talk away my ugly face and get her naked and in love such that she moves in on the first date and never leaves and offers marriage. That’s happened to me many times – with hot young girls who should be way out of my league.

      So there’s that.

      • t said

        “have a golden tongue and am expert at making women feel romantic.”
        Expand on this if you can. How do you make them feel romantic?

        You mentioned before about being able to let her feel a full range of emotion.

        Specific examples work best.

      • Renfrew said

        How early in the seduction process do you try to get it across to a girl that you are good in bed? Or do you just let her find out in due course? (And if the former, is it something you verbalise fairly directly or something you convey obliquely — or even strictly through non-verbal cues?)

      • xsplat said

        Renfrew, maybe the subject came up once or twice, but usually I’ll just escalate and let the bodies do the talking.

        Lately my life has been about LTR and broad-concept life related stuff, so that’s mostly what I talk about. Others have more to say about text and day game etc, such as Krauser. I mean, I’ve got plenty of life stories to tell, but they’re getting too stale… We’ll see if my date shows up tonight…

      • Renfrew said

        Thanks. That’s what I thought.

        Krauser is an absolute master (and is particularly good at playing to his strengths). I’ve learned a ton from him, and met him a few times socially, and seen him with exceptionally pretty girls on his arm. He is the real deal, and a smart cookie to boot.

        He seems to run this stage of his life as a social experiment to which he is intensely, obsessively devoted. It’s extraordinary to behold, and though I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I think his behaviour and thought patterns sometimes veer into the realm of the sociopathic. That’s partially mitigated by his high degree of self-awareness. But still, there’s an awful lot of constructed persona and posturing to him, on top of a thoroughly genuine and “high value” underlying character and lifestyle.

        Yes, it’s a persona and posture that the girls who make it through his numbers-game funnel (i.e., the seduction system from street to bed to harem that he’s expertly refined on his own behalf) fall hard for. “Soul collection” [his term] is something he speaks about from knowledge and experience; I have no doubt about this at all.

        At times I even feel real envy at his success (something particular about him triggers that in me which I haven’t put my finger on). But his insistence on “dominating the frame” at all times is tiring to be around, and while that’s undoubtedly a key to his seduction track record with women, it isn’t a trait I’m keen to cultivate in myself — certainly not for the price I’d expect to pay.

        Like Roissy or Roosh, Krauser has real wisdom and insights — Einstein level stuff in some cases — and an extraordinary skill set. Yet like them, he presents a “package deal” that’s looks to me like a mixed bag when seen in a fuller context. Of all the guys blogging, you’re one of the only ones who’s package deal seems harmonious, sane, and sustainable into old age. That’s a major virtue, because just as it can be tricky to take investment advice from men who’ve had immense success in business but have ruined five marriages and gotten estranged from their kids (cue side discussion on the ‘interdependent universe’), it can be tricky to take day game advice from people whose overall lives you might not want to emulate personally. I digress….

        You know — and I’m wondering aloud now — if guys who taste how well they can make dominance work for them with women (and I’m not quite in that camp myself…not QUITE) sometimes get fixated on that and have difficulty leavening (or integrating) that dominance with vulnerability or natural intimacy. Maybe they get addicted to the pleasures that punching this lever produces — which are real, intense, and statistically rare, since most guys don’t ever find this lever — and so they keep punching the lever. I can understand that temptation. But I can also see how it’s like chasing the dragon.

        Anyway, I hope your date shows, though I also like your implied cheerful acceptance of the fact that she might not.

  7. Kurt said

    … and the height issue. Guys can obtain the other things on your list (despite refusing to in the examples you gave). Am I missing your point?

    • xsplat said

      My point is that reality does not have to be in our favor in order to be true, but the closer our mental maps are to reality the more effective we can be in the world.

      Social skill includes the ability to have an accurate mental map about what is going on in other peoples heads. To manipulate people we have to accurately understand them – how they feel, what makes them tick.

      We need to understand what our competitors are offering in the sexual marketplace, if we don’t want to get left behind by the competition.

      Not everyone needs to be tall. But you need to know how to compete against tall guys – you need to know that their height is a relative advantage, and so to compete for the same girls you need compensatory advantages. Other than just confidence – because tall guys can have that too – no one has a monopoly on confidence.

      And over valuing confidence can really mess up the accuracy of your mental map of what others value. If you get that wrong, and in reality she actually only values confidence as giving a maximum 10 points out of a hundred, and you only have 30 other total value points you are offering, you’ll think you can offer her 80 points when you can only actually offer her 40 points. This will not help you to be so clueless. No matter how confident you are – 10000% maximum confidence – if you only get 10 points from that, you still fail. Better to know your real score, so that you don’t neglect maximizing your other options for points, and so that you develop habits of honest thinking.

      Honest thinking has tremendous long term value, which I will elucidate in further posts.

      And conversely, as I explained, hiding from the truth in the name of boosting self esteem has tremendous negative long term consequences.

      Another point is that humor can be better than a blustery confidence. You can be honest about being ugly if you are funny. This is a type of humble/confidence that displays high social intelligence. It goes over well. You downplay your disadvantages, while being fully aware of them. You don’t have to deny them.

      Whereas overconfidence can display low social intelligence, such as seen in the clueless dimwit pictured at the top of the post – the poster boy for being stupidly over confident and how this damages how other perceive his social intelligence and therefore mate-worthiness.

      Humor is not exactly confidence, but works just as well, if not much better. You can know your place precisely and still charm the pants off of her.

      I’ve had a hot young girl look up at me perplexed and say “Daddy, why I love you Daddy? You’re not rich, you’re not handsome. Why do I love you?” She was sincere and completely perplexed. All of her friends told her she was crazy.

      I’ve had something similar happen many times, actually. It pretty well always happens. Girls tell me I have “voodoo”. Their friends always tell them they could do better, and are stupid for being with me. They get deeply hooked.

      I was never over confident. Never irrationally confident. Confidence was not even my strong suit – not in the way people understand it.

      I was funny. I was charming. I was great in the sack. I was emotionally open. I was dominant. I was playful. I understood women. I played to my strengths. My strengths were enough.

      ************

      Here is an example of RATIONAL self confidence.

      When I go to a club, 99% of the time I’ll be the ugliest guy there. This has serious real world effects – it’s not a small thing. My girlfriends all considered me ugly, and many of them called me ugly to my face.

      But here is what I do when I refer to my looks; I call myself handsome. INEVITABLY the girl will break out laughing. I keep a straight face. I can play it straight because it’s so absurd she knows I can’t possibly be serious.

      The thing is to never show weaknesses as something that you dwell on or get depressed about, but still don’t deny them. Be socially intelligent, and respect her intelligence. Know that she’ll get turned on for hotter guys, know that she’d prefer a hotter face, if she could put it on your body. But also know that even with some big weaknesses you can develop compensatory strengths.

      Confidence doesn’t have to be fake or about denying reality. You can have an pin point accurate rational mental map and even not have that much confidence, and still do well with women.

      The honesty that clear thinking develops will help you in innumerable interpersonal ways. You’ll develop real, honest, interpersonal rapport. You’ll know and appreciate and understand her REAL thought processes.

  8. yooo said

    Yea krauser is cool, its just not congruent with my personality so to speak, don’t think it fits with my persona. Well if you did do a kinda breakdown of how you go about it that would be cool to read. Just started reading your blog and its answered a lot of random thoughts i’ve had. Cheers for taking time to write it up.

    • xsplat said

      Honestly I’m having an impossible time even getting a date recently – even online. Aaaarrrggghhhh. Getting old while being ugly is challenging.

      My chat and text game is tight. It’s just the picture that’s a deal breaker.

      Numbers…

      Well, thank Bob Dobbs that I still have a passionate relationship with my live in. She’s back in town from visiting family this Tuesday. I’m climbing the walls here, and striking out.

      That’s why I’m working on long term backup plans and options. Don’t want to be in this situation often. I’m not built for being without women. I’m good at starting and keeping strong passionate fires burning – it’s what I do – but it’s not easy to get the hotties that I hold out for. Getting harder and harder.

      Anyway, not to despair. Slumps get broken, and I tend to keep girls around for a while when the slump breaks. I’ve got my bag of tricks, and it should work for a while. Yesterday I was chatting with a girl who thought it sounded like a good idea to offer me a year or two of her life before she got married. That’s basically my sexual strategy, and I want to keep that up as long as possible. I think I can do it as long as I can reach out to enough girls with an attractive enough offer – that’s going to be the challenge.

      I figure I’ll combine all the tricks of global internet marketing with my LTR game to accomplish my long term intimacy goals.

      Day game and clubs really aren’t my best niches (though I will continue to push in that direction anyway). Ugly old guys even in the best of locations can have a rough time – but it’s still a marketing game, and sales can and will be made. The market is out there.

      • Renfrew said

        Krauser *is* cool. But in addition to being a genuinely high-value guy, he ALSO dabbles heavily in that zone of irrational self-confidence Xsplat describes, which perhaps like Yooo and others, just isn’t me at all. It’s made me a bit afraid to learn from him, actually, despite the fact that his skills and understanding are practically unparalleled (in my opinion), and his chronicle of their development is so articulate. Does that sound strange? Anyway, consciously knowing this about Krauser (that his M.O. is to combine real value with contrived confidence) should make it easier to take lessons from his life and adventures and lay reports WITHOUT unconsciously taking on pieces of his persona that are incongruent with your own identity.

      • yooo said

        You never thought about a bit of plastic surgery? Slight modifications that could make a big difference…gotta be worth it. But, yea…interesting stuff, will be keeping a eye out on this blog from now on.

      • Renfrew said

        How would you describe the understanding that exists between you and your live-in regarding you dating additional women?

        (I worded that question carefully.)

      • xsplat said

        How would you describe the understanding that exists between you and your live-in regarding you dating additional women?

        Well, my date did show up. Sexy 28 year old with the world best tits. But I passed. The next day a 17 year old showed up, and things went well. Which for me means that she offered to move in permanently on day one and wants my babies. I like her. I’ll leave this info up just long enough until you mention you see it, then I’ll delete it.

        As to how I handle seeing a 2nd or other girls, it’s been a constant battle of maintaining frame since I met her. I never explain where I go when I go out, and she knows I have a 2nd apartment. Last time she saw numbers on my phone she deleted them, sulked for 20 minutes, but the said that “she forgave me” and knows that she can never change me. I put it down also to giving great value to her life, in every possible area that I can manage.

        Plus, when I have a 2nd I get sexually supercharged.

        Yesterday I was climbing the walls from sexual frustration, tonight I actually chewed a bit of valium just to tone down the energy that 17 year old infected me with. I’m totally buzzed. Knowing my history she will keep me buzzed for many months to come. Which will of course mean my live in will be getting a lot of sexual energy going her way.

        I mentioned before I was despairing, but then I met an 18 year old date yesterday of my friend/business intern here, and felt so much better just reminded such socially open sex kittens are out there. The niche market exists. And then the next day my own showed up. So the universe went from neglecting and hating me to loving me. There is hope again for at minimum an easy 10 years doing what I do. I think I’ve figured out a system. I’ll talk more later about it.

      • Renfrew said

        That’s great news, about your change of fortunes.

        There’s a lot in what you wrote about sustaining multiple relationships that’s insightful for me, but the words I keyed in on most are “constant battle of maintaining frame since I met her.” The fact that it’s 1) a battle, which 2) started at the very outset of the relationship, and 3) remains ongoing — this all rings very true for me.

        The operating agreement I have with my live-in appears roughly similar. She knows the score but it is NOT her first choice. From day one, I told her — in words and actions — “I’ll be loyal to you and fill your life with wonder, but I will never be 100% faithful.” She understood (and still understands) that I meant that sincerely…it wasn’t a ploy to see what I could get away with, it’s a deep and true expression of who I am as a man. She loves me so much that she goes along with it, rather cheerfully — and I love her all the more for her devotion (you mentioned in an old post about a girl who scored “loyalty points” with you; I can relate). But yeah…from time to time, she makes it necessary for me to remind her how things are.

        For men looking for an open (or open-ish) relationship, I can suggest three success factors that have been true for me so far:

        1) declaring that frame from the outset, while being appreciative and considerate of the fact that it appears to her to be a compromise
        2) providing her with mega doses of love and value on a daily basis
        3) being vigilant about holding the non-monogamous frame (ESPECIALLY at those “moments of truth” when it’s incredibly tempting to let it slip…well, I have them anyway)

        A pivotal event in my current primary relationship arose early on — by prying in a way she shouldn’t have, she managed to “catch” me doing exactly what I told her I would. In this case, by prying, she crossed a real boundary of mine. I was scared, but without hesitation I rose to the occasion and put the whole relationship on the line. Luckily, she accepted the terms. She correctly read both my love for her (I adored her then and I adore her now) and my steadfastness. I didn’t realise it at the time, but looking back, I can see that the gong I struck (metaphorically) in that single heartfelt moment of necessary brinksmanship still reverberates years later, serving as the “carrier tone” of the relationship.

        To your point about the boost in sexual energy that comes from having a 2nd girl, and how that benefits everyone involved, especially the first girl — yeah, that I can also relate to that; it’s pretty amazing, but that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

        When it’s set up so the happier you are, the happier the live-in is…and she grasps that…and she also knows she’s a big part of your happiness…but knows too that you can only be happy on your terms…I’ve found that to be pretty stable. After a while, she doesn’t ask questions about where you’re going when you go out; all she knows, and all she wants to know (she discovers) is that you’re coming back…happy…and since she’s happy when you’re happy, life is good.

        (NB: I’m not feeling too articulate today, but hopefully I said what I meant and meant what I said.)

  9. whatnews said

    What if men’s intimacy needs cannot be met in a sexual context because women are mild sociopaths who simply don’t do intimacy, but almost always fake it? That’s where MGTOW has a point.

    What Roissy/Heartise are saying is not really what you say, even if sometimes they do exxagerate, and I think they are saying:

    * Our advice is to be somewhat more sociopathic than the women you aim to get laid with, because women in general only get turned on by men somewhat more sociopathic than they are, and despise as wimps those are that less so than they are.

    * Our advice is strictly to get laid. We occasionally comment on the dire consequences of what it takes to get laid, but the decision is yours. We wish that to get laid women imposed different conditions, but that’s how things are and we cannot change them.

    * Sure, advising men that if they want to get laid the key is to become more sociopathic than women is destructive in the long term, at least for civilization, but in the current culture it’s either that or not getting laid.

    BTW my experience is that women are actually capable of some intimacy, but it stresses them and they reject it when it happens because it interferes with their sociopathic mating strategies.

    For me therefore the big question is how to get laid while paying as small a price as possible in terms of stress and corrosion of the soul due to the type of mating “dance” that is required to turn on an average woman.

    Given this I think that some of the advice given by Roissy/Heartiste is a bit dangerous as you say, but for a different reason: that it does not take into account the inevitable price one has to pay when sharing sexual moments with a (usually mild) sociopath, never mind the wild optimism of hoping intimacy needs are met by that sociopath (and never mind when the woman is actually a cluster B psychopath…).

  10. jake said

    amens. and really, that’s where the problem is. all these fuckwits teaching kids to become even more dysfunctional does just what you say … it fucks up our friends.

    i get pretty annoyed sometimes, at guys like roosh advocating lying, high pressure tactics, corrupting girls just for a ‘notch’. why not stay in countries with shitty sluts, if your mentality is a shitty-slut-producing situation? thankfully most dudes don’t have the latitude, mental defects, or patience to become what these keyboard assclowns advocate.

    digging your 60’s revival type of postings. share some loooove, maaaan!

  11. […] xsplat recently had a good post about irrational self confidence fucking up your shit. […]

  12. avd said

    Yes, finally, some real talk.

    Ok, going to take each of these, in turn. Consider that every comment that I make below is prefaced with: “Respectfully, humbly…” so that I don’t have to repeat that every time.

    Allegiance to truth wins out in the long game.
    * This is where you should focus ALL of your energy, regarding game, business, interpersonal relationships, self-development, etc. Nothing else matters.

    One path leads to truth, the other to madness.
    * See above.

    How early in the seduction process do you try to get it across to a girl that you are good in bed? Or do you just let her find out in due course?
    * You NEVER EVER “try to get it across to a girl that you are good in bed.” NEVER. Instead, you realize this: YOU are the King of YOUR domain; the Captain of YOUR ship; the master of YOUR reality. That’s step number one. Step number two is to be open, honest, and transparent about the rules on YOUR ship, aboard which she is a passenger, or possibly a crew member, if you choose to give her that level of responsibility. SHE IS ON YOUR SHIP, SUBJECT TO YOUR RULES. What other option does she have? To sign on to some fuckwit’s ship who is just trying to run lines/scripts on her? Females HATE that bullshit; it makes them feel very insecure, and females, above all, require security. During their times of weakness when they go along with the aforementioned bullshit, it’s because they have no better options. So, let me ask you: do you even know what the rules are on YOUR ship? Or do you let others define those rules for you? What do YOU want? Do you allow “society” to tell you how to live YOUR life? Think on that, and the answers will come to you.

    but usually I’ll just escalate and let the bodies do the talking.
    * This works for x (and would work for many other males, also). Why? Because he clearly knows the rules of his ship. One of his rules—a very good rule—is that, when our physical bodies become close to one another, we explore each other in a human and sexual way. If the female has subconsciously agreed to abide by your rules, then sexual escalation is a given. If not, make her walk the plank, and find a new female.

    Of all the guys blogging, you’re one of the only ones who’s package deal seems harmonious, sane, and sustainable into old age.
    * Welcome to the enlightened wave.

    if guys who taste how well they can make dominance work for them with women (and I’m not quite in that camp myself…not QUITE) sometimes get fixated on that and have difficulty leavening (or integrating) that dominance with vulnerability or natural intimacy.
    * The concept of “dominance” is misunderstood by 99% of the MS, maybe 100%. It’s not about dominating the female—she is merely egg housing for our species—her eggs are your fucking birthright. Dominance is about dominating YOUR life—your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Forget about dominating females—a fool’s errand, if ever there was one. Cognitively, females are merely one rung above children (love them anyway, as you would love a child; love is very important). If you dominate YOUR life (rules of the ship), the females will fall in line. THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. (Most males also want that, but that is such an ugly topic that I refuse to expound on it. A male who wants to be “structured” by another male is so despicable, that my blood boils to even type this sentence. Shorthand: bend over.)

    I’ve had a hot young girl look up at me perplexed and say “Daddy, why I love you Daddy? You’re not rich, you’re not handsome. Why do I love you?” She was sincere and completely perplexed. All of her friends told her she was crazy.
    * If your females do not worship you as “Daddy,” you’re doing it wrong. Again, comes back to rules of the ship. Females are simply not equipped to navigate this world on their own. They require male leadership. Will you lead her, or be led by toxic mass culture? Which do you think, in the DNA of her cells, she genuinely desires?

    Girls tell me I have “voodoo”. Their friends always tell them they could do better, and are stupid for being with me. They get deeply hooked.
    * Note: voodoo is NOT based on approaching scripts or algorithms. It is based on your spiritual existence as a male homo sapien. Ditch the pursuit of quick fixes and dive deep; plumb yourself to the very depths. Who are you? Ask yourself this question a thousand times until you find an answer that registers with you in the DNA of your cells. Why should any female want to hitch her future to your life path? Answer that question, and you will no longer need “game.” No one else can answer it for you.

    What if men’s intimacy needs cannot be met in a sexual context because women are mild sociopaths who simply don’t do intimacy, but almost always fake it? That’s where MGTOW has a point.
    * This notion is so false, I don’t even know where to begin. Females are the egg housing our species—nothing more, nothing less. Presumably, YOU are a male, the exclusive ACTOR of our species. Step into THOSE shoes and stop giving a shit what females think or feel—it DOESN’T MATTER.

    For me therefore the big question is how to get laid while paying as small a price as possible in terms of stress and corrosion of the soul due to the type of mating “dance” that is required to turn on an average woman.
    * Again, friend, you are the MALE. It is YOUR job to lead the dance. Females crave to follow a strong male leader. The Dance IS YOUR LIFE. Get that: the dance IS YOUR life. If you detest the dance, you detest your life as a male. Please friend, embrace the fact that YOU are the dance. Then, and only then, will females desire to dance with you.

    Given this I think that some of the advice given by Roissy/Heartiste is a bit dangerous as you say, but for a different reason: that it does not take into account the inevitable price one has to pay when sharing sexual moments with a (usually mild) sociopath, never mind the wild optimism of hoping intimacy needs are met by that sociopath (and never mind when the woman is actually a cluster B psychopath…).
    * The current advice being tepidly doled out by Heartiste is indeed dangerous (it wasn’t four years ago); buyer beware. However, females are NOT sociopaths. Females seek a Captain who is in charge is HIS ship. When they find that, they are perfectly docile, obedient, wonderful, splendid creatures, worthy of your love. When they find less than that, they are indeed a mutinous crew. Gentlemen, establish the rules of your life, and then live by them. And hold ALL crew and passengers to your rules. It’s pretty easy after that.

    Peace, gentlemen.

    PS—I appreciate the respectful tone of conversation on xsplat.

    • wingwoman said

      My eggs are nobody but mine’s birth right you jagoff. Don’t refer to woman like we were put here for you and your ilk. Not everyone can or wants to breed, and most don’t want to fuck you with someone elses vagina.

      This post in honor of keeping it rational and real.

      Men have more substance abuse and untreated mental issues so if y’all think bitches are crazy you should try dating men.

  13. avd said

    Yikes. Case in point. Mutinous. Avoid this one.

  14. Arred Wade said

    Why’d you get banned from RooshV? You were one of the commenters I gave a shit about.

  15. Ace Haley said

    Good post man. I didn’t agree with your stuff at first but mostly because I wanted to believe the ‘game’ and confidence approach (while you had no money) could work with the type of women you wanted – it’ll work once in a while but it’s mostly a waste of time for that very reason. Why keep trying that if you know it isn’t gonna work most of the time? For other things, I’ll make an exception but not for dating.

    Anyway, that was a long time ago. Things are different now and I’ve seen women can smell that dough. I feel like a guy going into a corral and having female horses sniff me out because I have something that interests them. What I think about that is another story but “it is what it is.”

  16. […] Why irrational self confidence will fuck up your life […]

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