Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

The “problem” of feelings

Posted by xsplat on December 23, 2012

BiggNastee Wrote: I don’t get it tho. How the fuck do you detach from your emotions? I am almost 100% sure this girl is fucking around and there are other reasons I should be “spinning plates” but I have feelings for this bitch still. Its my fault, I just wanna know how to avoid it on the next one. I did everything I could think to not catch any feelings.

Ya, not having any feelings is a way some guys choose to go. Doesn’t seem to work for everyone. And some of us prefer to enjoy our feelings. It feels good to have positive feelings, and to have those we do require a supportive environment.

We all know that the old fashioned way was to to try to create a relationship that supported nurture and romance along with fun and adventure. Tough. But that was the old goal.

I still like that old goal, and still pursue it, and believe it’s perfectly workable.

I think it’s a horrible idea to deaden feelings to the point where the man no longer even bonds. I mean sure, having fuck buddies and flings is fun, but it’s just human nature (for most of us) to feel a unique satisfaction out of bonding with someone who cares for us. That’s normal, and it’s healthy. I support it in my own life, and I’d support others who tried to do the same.

So rather than try to avoid catching feelings, a question might be how to manage your boundaries such that you either:
a) control the woman better, or
b) eject yourself from a painful situation earlier
or
c) learn to handle more painful feelings without being overwhelmed – like riding a wave without drowning. Careful on this one though, as you can wind up making yourself a doormat and losing respect for your own boundaries.

Screening, controlling the woman, and managing your level of commitment and personal boundaries work together in a gestalt. A fugue. You can’t just focus on one particular element. I advise that you particularly are not the type of person who will fare better in life by not having feelings. Rather you’ll need to integrate them and own them and accept them and work your life and your feelings together.

Personal boundaries are very challenging to learn about, work with, and enforce. On the one hand we want intimacy, on the other we need to avoid abuse and pain, and on the left foot we need a little freedom to have our own fun. Luckily having strong boundaries is attractive – even though women will NEVER admit it, and will cry and scream if you show a backbone. But that leads us to:

Controlling the woman. If you watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer you’ll quickly notice that there are two types of dog. The ferile dog who doesn’t submit to a higher authority, and the tamed dog who obeys it’s pack leader. During each show the dog transforms from one type to the other, and it’s as though it’s a whole new dog. Women are exactly like that. There are two types of women, and it is up to the man to create the 2nd type out of his girl. This is a very deep subject that can’t be summarized in one blog post, but there are many tips and tricks about leading your woman to submission on this blog.

Ejecting yourself from painful relationships:
This is boundary control again. If she can’t be tamed, bring things to brinkmanship, and mean it. Meaning you eject. And that might be the end of it; it sometimes is. This takes self discipline; the same discipline it takes to not eat one more bite of chocolate cake, or to not pick up the coke spoon again. Just let it go. The easiest way to manage this is by side-tracking your focus with other girls and activities, and when things get really rough, then travel.

Learn to handle more painful feelings without being overwhelmed: Some people deliberately practice polyamory. They’ll have a few girlfriends, and some of their girls might have other lovers. This has the obvious pros and cons. The pain and trouble of jealousy is offset by the joys of having variety; no one girl has to be perfect, as they complement each other, and your life is more rich and full. You will get jealous, as will the girls. There are tricks to manage this. Some people set up certain rules. You might have to know who the third and fourth and fifth parties are. Or your rule might be don’t ask don’t tell. You might have a calendar scheduled. It’s up to you to find something that works, and that might change over time, and you might have to abort the whole thing eventually. The notion here is that rather than try to completely avoid jealousy, you find out how much of it you are willing to handle, and accept that much, and only that much. You can also learn to handle painful feelings without any sort of polyamory. In both cases I don’t actually know how it’s done. All the how to advice I’ve heard really boils down to “just do it”, but I think the way it works is that over time you get used to the feelings – you just have to let them flow through you – the pain of them and all – and learn to not get fixated. Also distraction can help, for when we do get fixated. As can spinning plates – the ultimate distraction.

WestCoast says: The advice I would give is… 1) Use her to practice your bedroom skills or 2) tell her “your actions are unacceptable, goodbye” never responding to any message phone call email or text.

1) the benefit is obvious, you’ll improve sex moves, stamina, gain more confidence
2) benefit is less obvious, you are training yourself to have discipline, if you have some gripping feelings with her KNOWING she is a bad catch you should train yourself to stand ground. Goodbye means… Goodbye. Period. There is no make up.

Now lets assume you got burned. The solution is easier. GET TO WORK!! You’ re a human being, so use those bad pussy emotions into good ones. Lift, run,take classes. The worst thing to do is sit there and “think about the interactions”.

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2 Responses to “The “problem” of feelings”

  1. jake said

    x! long time no see. thinking about checking out your part of the world in a few months, after getting out of cambodia.

  2. xsplat said

    Sounds like you’ve stacked up a ton of adventures. I’d trade beer and food for some stories when you get here.

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