Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Intimacy without commitment

Posted by xsplat on July 25, 2012

Remember the last time you were so into a girl, that when you kissed your heart welled up with lust, passion, and adoration? You felt as if the two of you formed a hungry union.

That’s a good feeling.

And yet it seems many players deliberately avoid those feelings. They want to maintain hand so badly that the refuse to risk the emotional vulnerability that comes with intense intimacy.

One of the few themes I keep harping back to is that being aloof is not game. You can seduce women through a love-at-first-sight experience. Through the intensity of your passion.

There are a few rules to this:
1) No matter how much love and joy and lust and happiness and bonding romance you feel for the girl, no matter how attached you become or how much she improves your life, no matter what – you absolutely must maintain your hand. Say I love you less than 1/3rd as many times as she says it. Show no signs of clinging. Occasionally push her away, even if just in jest; “Go away, you’re making me horny” and push her off the bed with your feet.

2) Be sensitive. Yes, men are sensitive. Men are lovers. Being sensitive means you meld into her when you play with her pussy. You can play that pussy like miniature violin. When you are inside her you are sensitive to every little contraction, to her voice, to her breathing. You meld with her and play the tempo like a master musician. As well as physical and energetic sensitivity, a man can connect emotionally to the girl. Many people talk as if feeling close to the girl they are fucking is an alien experience. I’m talking about feeling strong emotions – whether it be screamingly intense sex, gentle sex, romantic sex, violent sex, or kinky sex. I’m talking about making a personal intimate connection to the girl through these emotions.

3) Be daring. Sex is not a static thing. Each time is a fresh performance, each time can show you some new musical variation. Do role play. We’ve heard it said that women love to learn about themselves through emotional experiences. Play games while you fuck. She’s your secretary. She’s 12 and shouldn’t tell her mother. She’s your daughter. She’s your daughter and shouldn’t tell her mother. There is a third imaginary girl in the bed. She’s a prostitute. She’s being raped. Don’t be afraid that thoughts are taboo – if you can play it in a video game because it’s not real, then you can role play it with your lover.

4) Be sensitive. In this case I’m talking about to the sensations in your body. You need to prepare by practising energetic exercises, such as being able to blast energy up your spine to the top of your head, being able to ground energies from your perineum to below your feet. If chi-kung doesn’t interest you, how about yoga? Breathing exercises? Shamata-vipassana meditation? The more of these practices you do, the more you will embody your body. You will find that instead of experiencing sex through the lense of your inner voice, you experience it as your body. Your body moves energies around, and you can become power and control incarnate. You can feel intense sexual heat in your belly, and be in control of it so that you are not forced to come. You can shift it to below your feet, up to your heart, up to your forehead or above your head. You can experience that sexual heat in all those places at once and coursing from your heart through your arms to the palms of your hands, and out around your body. And into her. Be sensitive, and be in control, and be power.

If your sex is not intimate, really, you are doing it wrong and need to evaluate your life.

Yes, the girl might leave you. You’re a man, right? And yes, you might leave her, or have more than one girl you are into. There is no excuse for not going all out. You’re a man, right? Right?

With this attitude you can literally make love after 30 minutes of first seeing the girls face. I’m not talking about lusty fun fucking – I’m talking about making love. I did that with a girl a few years ago. She then journeyed with me from her small town to visit my apartment the next morning, and then quickly moved in. Mutual love is not a matter of friendship first. It’s very easy. And if you want, it can be very common. And it’s always very good. It gives meaning and makes your heart warm and makes your day warm. A glow infuses your breath, and your environment is animated with heartfelt purpose. You fall asleep into something good and you wake up into something good.

A huge part of seduction is about intimacy. All of us crave it. For most people it is a peak experience. But for you it doesn’t have to be. It can be your modus operandi.

Forget about being aloof. Intimacy is women’s kryptonite. You can make them weak in the knees with a look.

I’d have to work to remember how many girls I’ve moved in on the first date. How many I connected with from the get go as if we’d been long time lovers. How easy it’s been to just connect. I’ve never tried to be aloof. I’m a passionate man. This personal style has never been a hindrance – it has been my greatest strength.

Update: I should add that love-at-first-sight works best when combined with paternal dominance. And it goes without saying that the woman should fear that misbehaving will cause you to kick her out, and she should also have jealous dread.

Update:

el mechanico Wrote: The weed must be real good where you’re at huh?

It’s crap.

I’m short, balding, strikingly ugly, have debilitating flatulence, and yet I routinely date some of the hottest girls in the whatever city I land in, often with them moving in on the first date.

So it’s not just about my weed. I’m letting you know that there is an alternate seduction style that just is never talked about.

Even in the States?

Haven’t been in the states in a dozen years. I did better than most men then, but was pretty stupid about women.

I’m not saying “hey y’all, why don’t you try being a total retard beta”.

I’m saying don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.

When you embody dominance, you can also embody passion.

Athlone McGinnis While I can’t find too much I disagree with here after a quick first read, I have my doubts as to how effective these theories would be in the United States or anywhere in the west.

You’re in a society where girls are passionate, don’t mind nice and/or less than physically ideal guys and don’t romanticize the idea of being treated like shit. Western girls are a whole different animal, and that animal often eats intimacy for breakfast (especially when displayed early). Suggestions 1 and 3 seem like they would translate well enough. Other than that, I don’t think these birds would fly here.

Really now? I’ve always found girls in the states appreciate a good fucking. And what I’m describing is a good fucking.

The brute force type fucking tends to not bond girls to their men as much. From what the girls who come for the first time in their life with me have told me. Including all the US ones.

el mechanico
A dozen years is a long time. It’s gotten really bad here in the last two but I agree about the fucking part but they don’t seem to care if you have some passion or shove the whole kitchen up their asses anymore.

I’m in no position to argue, however I’d be surprised if culture can change what seems to me to be basic female nature.

By the way, it would be very easy to mistake my message. Choking, slapping and spitting fit in with my message perfectly well.

I’m not talking about being sweet. Not only sweet. I’m talking about feeling a connection to someone that grabs them so that they stay grabbed.

***
And the conversation continues here

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17 Responses to “Intimacy without commitment”

  1. [...] this koan produces. If you’re wholly unfamiliar with energy flow, here’s a passage from Xsplat to get you thinking in the right [...]

  2. mitch said

    Ones perception of basic human nature can be shaped a lot by where you live. My friends who’ve never lived outside of the United States show me this all the tine.

  3. D said

    I totally agree with you about vulnerability and intimacy as a gateway drug with women. It’s pretty much the definition of my game.

  4. wudang said

    Great post! This is the type of stuff that makes your blog so much more interesting than most other game blogs. It is also great for me to read stuff by someone who both gets game and gets energy work and eastern yin yang principles etc. I`m very much on the same page as you in terms of going the route of feeling as much as possible but being able to HANDLE it ins tread of numbing it. Rack up the intensity as much as possible but still not show any neediness, any duplication and having strong boundaries, dominating and leading all at the same time. Your just way ahead of me in terms of understanding and application. Still my experience is analogous to yours. A woman can not feel as deeply fucked and penetrated if she does not have deep intimacy. Feeling intimate can perhaps be described as opening up so much the other person comes inside of you/can see inside of you. You want her whole body and her whole emotional landscape to feel fucked not just her vagina. Most guys can not handle deep intimacy without becoming need and duplicating so they hold a distance to it. The more intimate they feel the more the chance that they crumble and become girly in the way they handle it. Feeling very deep intimacy and passion without crumbling in any way and being dominant at the same time shows far more strength and I believe women sense that and reward it.

    Qigong speak: I have felt during passionate sex and just passionate emotions towards a girl that it resembles steam energy and the steam process in alchemy. You know when fire (love spectrum feelings/passionate feelings) is brought down below water (more sexual energy) to heat up the water and create steam. With plain horniness there is just energy rising from the genitals and spreading throughout the body. If I feel an emotional connection there is a heart involvement as well so those energies mix sort of globally around the body. But in order for something steam like to occur I need to feel a really passionate connection. It does not have to be love per se. It can just be someone That is not just hot and sexy but I have an intense personal connection with but who don`t really trigger wife material emotions in me so I hold of on love, but the chemistry is still passionate. When this happens, and when I am really passionately in love it seams like something like the steam process is set off. From my own experience I think people can be quite in love without really getting steam going. The difference is sort of between someone you really like in a friendly way and find very hot so you fall in love and someone who feels more like a soulmate. You need a really passionate, maybe soulmate like connection for love to aid in steam creation.

    I am curious what connections you see between the organ energies/emotions in TCM/chakra energies and emotions and attractive masculinity. THe lungs seem especially import an. THis quote is from Bastiat Blogger writing over at HUS:

    “I read an interesting, short book recently called “The Way of Men” and would certainly recommend it to ladies. The author discusses how men revere traits that are of particular use on “the perimeter”—the violent, lawless edges of civilization. He lists four major components to this assessment: strength, courage, “mastery” (technical competence), and a concept of honor (normally related to loyalty and to willingness to retaliate if insulted). This of course reinforces the old evo psych view that ideal men are built for 1. hunting and 2. war.”

    Strenght, courage and honor are all lung energies. I`m not quite sure how I`d place mastery. Perhaps part spleen as trust in oneself from mastery and as plain confidence in the lungs from mastery. The liver strikes me as an alpha male organ. It deals with aggression and aggressive assertiveness and aggressive drive. It also has an expansive largeness to it that I find alpha male like. The key qualities of kindness and generosity might seem more beta, but my experience of liver energy driven generosity is that it is alpha male like. Whenever I give (in a broad sense) to someone from a liver generated feeling it feels like I am giving from a large surplus. Kinda like when a rich man buys a round for everyone because to him it matters little because he has so much. Giving from a large surplus would be an alpha male type of giving because he would have great resources. Beta maleness seems to be extremely tightly connected to spleen imbalance, particularly excess sympathy, pensiveness and worry/insecurity (acting from a place of worry/insecurity).

    Giving from a spleen energy (at least an imbalanced one) is more like giving everything you`ve got because you are afraid if you don`t you will loose something/not be approved up. The excess sympathy/pensiveness/not being able to tolerate other people in pain no matter what seems to originate from a place of worry/insecurity as well. This also fits with many women perceiving nice guys to not really be nice and not really have real empathy but just false insecurity based empathy. THe security, comfort, faith in oneself and openness from the spleen when it feels balanced seems to be a key attractive energy. Almost like a base for everything else. The spleen controls earth energy and hence feeling grounded rooted/standing securely and firmly on the ground and the quality of groundedness is IME vital for attraction. I think of alpha energy as having a yin part and a yang part. THe yang part is more about the testosterone edge of being willing and able to assert yourself and confidently achieve something with aggressive drive. THe yin aspect is more about the calm sense of contentment and security a high status person feels because of where they are. The yang qualities are what gets you there and helps you defend your position. The yin qualities are the result of and sign of having the position. For me this relates to the fact that many view the more aggressively dominant high energy alphas as second tier. THey get hot women but not really the finest of the finest because their behavior signifies competition high up in the hierarchy not actually being at the very top. So to attract the very best women the calm yin quality, the slow moving and slow reactiveness and nothing to prove attitude of many alphas is more important than the assertiveness and raw confidence. Zen like outcome independence trumps warrior energy.

    THe kidneys control fear which perhaps is even more of a base for al the other aspects than spleen energy. As long as you have no fear of rejection, no fear of loss etc. all else will tend to fall into place. The stillness in the kidneys also seem to relate a lot to the yin alpha traits (I sometimes also call them alpha zen traits). The kidneys as a base for everything else in attraction matches TCM theory of the kidneys as the key energy for building up all the other energies in terms of health and balance.

    Jing levels seem to be vitally important. Guys who go voluntarily celibate (no sex AND no mastrubation, the key being saving up ones sexual energy as opposed to wasting it through ejaculation) for a long time report massive increases in attraction from women and incredible reductions in their own neediness. Some who have done this combined with cultivation have reported specific cases relating to filling the Dan Tien as key points when attraction jumped especially much. I`ve read theories that what we seek through sex is in part an increase in jing. By having non ejaculatory and correctly practiced tantra jing is not only reserved but increased a lot as opposed to wasted. But by having conventional sex we never reach the goal we are seeking through sex. Someone who already has filled up their jing levels will be motivated less by need and more for pure enjoyment. This seems to be an absolutely key factor.

    The root chakra seems important for the rootedness aspects I`ve touched upon. It relates to very basic and primal security needs and so when it is strong and balanced it signifies success in these areas. I´ve also read that the root is where the man gives sex energy to the woman which she in turn gives back through the heart chakra. As the center for supplying her for energy it of course has to be very important. Manipura chakra relates to power and self esteem/self confidence and assertiveness. This obviously makes it highly important. It really is an alpha male organ.

    It makes sense to me that stream entry should lead to unusually strong increases in attraction as it makes you deeply non needy since you have access 24/7 to a contentment that is beyond what most people can even imagine. After stream entry some deep core in you just can not be broken no matter what. I can`t think of anything more powerful or alpha than that.

    I´ve got a bit more to say about other stuff such as the second chakra, Kundalini as it tends to develop sexual magnetism and immense power to project sexual energy into people, flavors of yin and yang energies reaction naturally to each other and equanimity (which I believe has to be the strongest masculine attractor as it is the deepest Shiva quality and naturally arouses Shakti) but I`m tired so I`ll get back to that.

    Have you read any of Drew Hempels ramblings? One of the things he writes about is how 30 or so, I think, mutual psychic climaxes creates a feeling of true love because there is a buildup of sex energy that at that point converts to heart energy.

    One thing you can do for your women to prepare them for a future without you is to make sure they have the skills to have tantric sex with future men. Future men will never be able to replace you but tantra by itself does so much it will help a lot for them to get satisfying relationships even if they are alpha widows. If their english is OK you can give them one of Diana Richardsons books.

  5. xsplat said

    I`m very much on the same page as you in terms of going the route of feeling as much as possible but being able to HANDLE it ins tread of numbing it. Rack up the intensity as much as possible but still not show any neediness, any duplication and having strong boundaries, dominating and leading all at the same time.

    It really feels good that someone really gets what I’m trying to say! Like a relief.

    The reason I wrote this is because this is stuff I just take for granted, but when I thought about it, nobody else was talking like this. I think you are right, as men get more experienced with women and realize that we can’t really rely on them for commitment, we tend to shut down to avoid becoming hurt. So only betas feel love. You very accurately described my approach – be the dominant male, but still be intimate.

    I’m a bit foggy in the head now due to lack of sleep, and will re-read your writings about chi-kung later.

  6. Dom said

    “When you embody dominance, you can also embody passion.”

    Good quote.

  7. [...] Give Me The Best Years, A Cad Who Wants To Help. . . , Good Seduction Is In Plausible Deniability, Intimacy Without Commitment, Quality Of The Bang, Its Not ALL About The Youth And [...]

  8. wudang said

    Damn autocorect. I of course mean supplicating not duplicating.

  9. wudang said

    This game resource goes a long way to describe your approach I think:

    http://www.authenticmanprogram.com/igtp/InnerGameStickingPoints.pdf

    The equanimity article in the article section on this site does as well:

    http://www.shinzen.org/

  10. [...] “this post by Xsplat for good thinking on intimacy and closeness. Men need to learn to feel strongly without crumbling.” [...]

  11. wudang said

    Actually, you still have aloofness in your equanimity. You are feeling high emotional intimacy and openness but you can only feel that without crumbling and becoming weak and needy because you have a calm inner center of witness consciousness that is immovable and just observes what is happening with dispassion. Being all of in an alpha jerk kind of way means they have a hard immovable and unreachable part of them. THe problem is that if they soften that there is no other mountain like quality, no unbreakable diamond quality left. THe deep equanimity you are feeling at the core which allows everything else to flow without disturbance is an untouchable part of you. It simply will not move. Nothing she can do can bring you of balance if there is no feeling you can feel that will bring you off balance. Unfeeling aloofness is weaker because when a person that has that starts to feel he is at the mercy of his feelings. So, deep feeling with an open core of equanimity is always far stronger than an outer shell of aloof hardness. IMO women are naturally programmed to seek to come into contact with that deep inner still core in men and will without understanding what they are doing search for it and test for it. When they find it it is the ultimate for them because they get the alpha rock they seek, that with can not be moved, and the fullest flow of emotion and intimacy.

    • xsplat said

      That’s a quality comment. Such a dynamic might be ideal, but it doesn’t describe my situation. Even at the peak of my meditative awareness, a few decades ago when I had periods of near 24 hour awareness, I wouldn’t describe my experience as one of having a core of equanimity. At best there was witness consciousness that watched a fluctuating scene of equanimity and dis-equanimity.

      I used to shoot for exactly what you describe, both when dealing with women and in my life. I really didn’t want anything to be able to bother me. That was a deep personal core value, and I put intense energy and dedication towards embodying that value.

      That value changed.

      In any case, my experience is that equanimity is very threatening to women. They want to know that you are genuinely emotionally invested in them. If they don’t have the power to move you, it only spurs them to goad you harder, even if it means to the breaking point. Have you ever heard of women say that they can’t know if a man loves him until he hits her? That’s what I’m talking about. Women hate equanimity – it makes them insecure.

      I’ve even heard of a woman leaving her meditating boyfriend because he had “too much” equanimity and she was not able to piss him off.

      You might say my approach is Vajrayana without the meditative depth. Can that make sense, or is that a blasphemous sacrilege? In Vajrayana Buddhism the idea is in line with your thoughts in this comment and the essays you linked to: be open to feelings and let those energies flow through you unobstructed, while also having fine emotional control and not letting your awareness get sucked into a myopic focus . We know from studying the brain that the frontal cortex works in a feedback loop to mitigate strong emotions in the ?? center of the brain (amygdala?). I’m working at that simple level – not much in the way of witness consciousness required. Just a balance of amygdala and frontal cortex, as well as a wide awareness that includes a full bodied presence. I’m all about unifying the mind and incorporating as much of yourself into the experience as possible – as you reminded me from that post from 2005.

      So rather than be a rock for women, in the sense of having stable emotions that they can bounce off of, my approach is to offer a different kind of stability. Perhaps the stability of the ocean. It can be wavy, and intense. It can be deep, or you can surf on the top. It can be calm. But you can’t change it with emotional manipulation. There is a consistency to it you can count on, but it still has a wild, dangerous, unpredictable side.

      I like to be able to meet women at any emotional place, and lead them to new places. And they have the power to move my emotions. But I also have the power to not follow them. I’m not just in one place all the time, because that’s the best place to be.

      I don’t really need that one best place. That center. That home. Maybe because of some intuition that no matter what I’m already in that place, or maybe I’m just comfortable roaming around. I suppose you could spin it either way, but pragmatically, in order to influence others, it’s helpful to be able to resonate in many emotional spaces.

      You might be interested to read Baba Ram Dass talking about the Cakras. At first we want to get above the head, and experience God. Later we want to bring God into our bodies and embody a divine experience. Later it doesn’t much matter, as God is inescapable anyway. No matter where you go, there you are. Well, I don’t want to get nihilistic; we can get sloppy with our mindfullness and lose focus and get overly focused and both at the same time – flitting between Firefox browser windows. But you might like that Cakra analogy. Sometimes we focus on the perineum, sometimes the heart, sometimes the crown cakra, and in our best moments can integrate many cakras together along with much other experience and even notice that we are not our thoughts. We are not going to always be able to hold that full body experience, and most can’t hold witness consciousness while still leading an active life. Striving for that can actually block the momentary experience – because we want peace so bad we block out what we don’t think fits in. We block out the present experience.

      We can embody discord without immediately correcting it.

      Strangely enough, discord can be a very effective tool.

  12. [...] http://xsplat.wordpress.com/2012/07/25/intimacy-without-commitment/ [...]

  13. rivsdiary said

    brilliant. HOF stuff.

  14. […] similar to mine. LTR game can be so refined that it becomes fast seduction. Your LTR game becomes love at first sight game. Girls fall right into your orbit and can not […]

  15. […] and there is a big difference. Living alone and being alone all the time will rob you of intimacy, intimacy is vital for man. If you don’t enjoy being a lone wolf then maybe you aren’t one, or maybe you […]

  16. […] Let’s Kick Som… on Intimacy without commitme… […]

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